Skies I'm Under

Last week, I had the exquisite pleasure of updating the music on my iPod. I uploaded the new (well, as new as last year can be considered) Mumford & Sons album Babel. One particular song I'd liked for a while, "Hopeless Wanderer", took on a new significance while I was out running one evening.

As I am wont to do these days, I had been daydreaming of my new life at BYU when the line "I will learn to love the skies I'm under" forced its way into my consciousness.

It made me realize that if I do not learn to appreciate where I am now--literally and figuratively--I will never be happy anywhere. Certainly a sobering thought for one who has longingly looked to the future all her life. This reminds me of what I frequently told myself last summer, that I must enjoy the little things, the little moments. And I do. On the drives to work, I notice the ever-changing sky, the verdant fields, and that relaxed way of life characteristic of mid July mornings. At the same time I try not to nitpick moments too often, for a watched pot never boils, as they say.

But that is not the point. Loving where I am means more than simply looking up once in a while to smell the roses. It means savoring my successes, my growth, and utilizing each day for self-betterment. It means being thankful, even though I am constantly looking toward that ever-longed for horizon. Most of all, I think, it means that I am happier where I am than where I was. I can see where I've come from and I know that right here is where I want to be. Yes, many mistakes pave my path--several instances that I wish had not happened, or had occurred differently--but I can appreciate those mistakes, and I have grown from them.

I am thankful for a loving and merciful God, who has ultimately turned my failures to triumphs. Though lately I've grumbled and griped and complained, I have been immensely blessed. I would not trade places with any of my past or future selves, for right now is a time of change. A transition. So often in life do we forget these transitions and skip directly to the next adventure; little do we realize that those transitioning times are what made the adventures great. They are a period of preparation and growth, and I am thankful for them. For I know that if I use this time wisely, my future will be everything I've ever hoped for. And I will be ready for it.

Becoming Jane

Jane Austen: one of the most beloved and insightful writers of all time. I thought that because I'd read all her books, I knew her. I wrote a few papers about the woman and her time, knew she lived the remainder of her short life as a spinster, and recognized that she loved her family dearly.

Yet, until I saw the 2007 film Becoming Jane, I actually knew nothing at all.

Most anyone who knows me can say my heart belongs in England; essentially any BBC/Masterpiece/PBS drama or comedy will suit me perfectly well. Thus, when I borrowed this movie from the library, I figured it would be a witty, satisfying, and--for some jaded reason--happy couple of hours. Just what I needed after a long stretch of work. What could have possessed me to think that Jane Austen, a spinster, would have a happily-ever-after in the romance department?

Thomas LeFroy, a reckless and worldly pre-lawyer, captures the sensible Jane's heart through a intriguing mixture of wit and wisdom. Any Austen fan would associate his initial prickliness with Mr. Darcy and his proclivity for mischief with Mr. Wickham. Incidentally, Pride and Prejudice is the novel Jane begins while courting Thomas. (Also, on an aesthetic level, the two make such a lovely couple that one cannot help but plead for things to work in their favor.) Finally, Jane has seemingly found exactly what she's hoped for: a marriage for love instead of money. Now if only Thomas' uncle will approve...

Without giving too much away, happiness is not in the cards for the optimistic couple. Several instances of shattered hopes occur in the story; one of which just about destroyed me.

You see, Jane and Thomas decided to cheat the game and run away. Neither could endure the lie of attempting to live with another person, so they left. For once, all was well. That is, until Jane discovers that Thomas has been providing for both his parents and his numerous younger siblings. If he elopes with her, he forsakes his reputation and must work all his life to support two families. Ever wise, Jane forsees their love, as pure and unshakable as it is, turning into regret, resentment, and bitterness as the years go by. She explains this to Thomas with tears in her eyes.

Thomas: How can you, of all people, dispose of yourself without affection?

Jane: How can I dispose of myself with it?

How much love does it take to walk away? To know when even the bleakest glimmer of hope cannot redeem? I am not sure whether I could do what Jane did. As her carriage pulls away from the inn, she sees Thomas behind. Walking with the carriage, a look of broken abandonment on his face. It was at this part that I cried like a wounded child. Pounding my fists on my knees, I willed Jane to go back. I thought, but this is the exact antithesis of her stories!

But, two parts of the movie caused me to ponder. One, when Jane is discussing the beginnings of Pride and Prejudice with her sister. Jane describes how her novel depicts things of the heart, though it also sports a happy ending with a wealthy man. It is as though she combines Thomas' love and intelligence with another suitor's wealth. Two, when she is conversing with said other suitor after the events of her elopement, he notes that she refuses to marry without love--and for that matter, refuses to marry with love. That truly struck me. Jane was so completely selfless that she let Thomas go. She not only knew she must let him live another life, but she also trusted him to do so. These two parts helped me realize who Jane Austen is and why her novels are such treasures even today: Despite all the hardship, betrayal, and disappointment in her life, Jane still believed in triumphant love. Her novels portray young women of little or no fortune finding happiness amidst the trials of poverty and familial discord.

Jane is not a despondent woman pining after what could have been, but a masterful artist holding on to her irony--"Irony is the bringing together of contradictory truths to make out of the contradiction a new truth with a laugh or a smile.” She knows, from experience, that her stories are akin to fairytales and are not entirely probable. However, at the same time, Jane Austen's novels hold some of the most realistic characters and situations. Most everyone can relate to them in some way or another.

If it were not for her brush with love, Jane Austen probably wouldn't have had the profound effect on humanity she has had for almost two centuries. So although I cried shamelessly and came away emotionally drained after watching Becoming Jane, I feel better acquainted with the beautiful mind and heart that was Jane Austen.