Don't Know Why I Didn't Come

Ah yes. The post where I have no idea what I'm doing.

Normally, I am a thoroughly planned young lady when it comes to writing. Especially when other people will be reading it. Today? Nope. I just felt like writing.

Let me begin by throwing a word out there:

REGRETS

What an ugly, bad-tasting word. Unfortunately, there seem to be many of these in my life: Why didn't I say hi to her? What on earth possessed me to eat that? How come I didn't answer that question I knew? Why did I let myself act like that? Why did I do that again? The list could go on. Everyone, at one time or another, has regretted something.

Now, I could spend oodles of time writing about my regrets, how they made me ache, and so on. But, nobody wants to hear that stuff. No one wants to read sob-stories about my failed expectations. People crave hope, forgiveness, progression, and most of all, happy endings. I want to provide all that in this post.

My dad, probably my biggest hero, told me this one day:

"Live without regrets. Live in such a way that you are content with your actions."

Though this may not be word-for-word, the principle still stands. If I forgive myself, leave the past behind, and strive for improvement, I'll enjoy life much, much more. But, it sounds hard, doesn't it? People make mistakes all the time, every day. However, one can decide to rise above these small hindrances, and work to become the kind of person he or she desires to be. From my humble experience, there are a few methods to help with this:

• Forgive yourself, but learn the lessons
• Set specific, attainable goals
• Remember what you truly want
• and do what makes you happy

I'm going to implement these in my life, because regrets are not something I want to have around. Also, I figure life becomes sweeter without the weight of guilt and disappointment. There's more time and thought for the greater things in life, like having fun, learning, and taking that next big step in something. After all, "men are that they might have joy." - 2 Nephi 2:25

Thanks

It's one of those days when I need to remember my blessings.

Here are a few that I've been thinking about recently:

• my family

• my grades

• that I have time to write my discussion paper

• that I'm able to exercise every day

• good books

• that the week is more than halfway over

• food (well why not?)

• that I get to spend time with relatives this weekend

• my testimony

Now I feel much better.  :)

Pants, Junk Food, and the Worth of Souls

Running at four in the morning isn't most people's cup of tea.

But it is mine.

Lately, my blog posts haven't really been about ME. I suppose that's a good thing, but I feel like I've used my musings and ideas to hide from what's really been on my mind. I will warn you though, this is a bit impromptu, so it may not be the most cohesive post I've ever written...

One could say all of this started with a pair of pants. And running.

Back in early February, I still had all that lovely holiday baggage, and I'm not talking about the good feelings or decorations. It was the junk food-eating mentality. I didn't really care about what I was eating, and besides, I had other things to worry about, like Calculus, papers, and reading. But, nobody feels good when they eat too much of the wrong thing and it shows. Please know, I am not a big person by any means; I am actually pretty petite. However, I felt like a sumo wrestler because of my lifestyle. It embarrassed me, and so I avoided wearing the cute clothes I loved. I found myself staring longingly at the cute pairs of pants I saw on other girls, and wishing I could look that good in such jeans. So, I decided that I would look good in some new jeans.

A couple years ago, I went on a no-sugar bet. For two and a half months, I abstained from snacks and junk foods with sugar in them. By working out and eating right, I was in the best shape! Last month, as I was deciding how to get rid of the holiday baggage, I thought I'd try this route again, along with some good exercise. All the other ways I'd tried previously had failed, so I figured I should have a definite, sure-fire plan.

Before I go into that plan, I'm sure this sounds very superficial. Like I only cared about how I looked or something. That isn't true. Throughout this time, I went through some self-worth issues. There was a friend of mine who I really admired. She seemed to have everything I wanted, from the way she looked to the way she expressed herself. I thought that because she embodied what I wanted, what was left for me to be? Super ridiculous, I know, but I seriously felt like I didn't have an identity. Where was my voice? Who and what was I?

Some part of me hungered to find what I was worth. What kind of person could I be, how could I show my uniqueness, if I had any? What did I believe?

Back to my plan. One of my Young Women's leaders invited me to go exercising with her up at the college. At four in the morning. I said, heck yes! We decided we would go every Tuesday and Thursday. This combined with my sugar-bet looked very promising for me.

Thus began the running. The majority of my workout consists of running hard for a couple of miles. Call me crazy, but I love it. Running has always been an escape and a joy for me. I won't lie, it can be hard, but it's a good kind of hard. I always felt better about myself after working out for that hour in the mornings. But, though I was closer than before, I still had a while to go until I met my goal. It's difficult to see how your own seemingly great progress compares to where others are. Plus, my classes in school were taking their toll on me and I continued to view myself as less than important.

Time passed and I came closer and closer to my goal. Unfortunately, my self-esteem remained dismal. Because of this oh-so fantastic mixture, along with school work, I was affected spiritually also. It was one of those times where my head felt so heavy I couldn't look up. I worked at doing everything I was supposed to, and still I didn't feel adequate. These feelings weren't the kind one really shares with friends or family, so I had only one possible option:

Go vertical. 

Praying, fasting, and working on being more serving, kind, and thoughtful of others was the spiritual part of my fitness plan. I knew I couldn't handle every aspect of my life on my own. Only Heavenly Father could help me with some of the things I struggled with. The road was not easy. Faith is a muscle as well as a gift, so it's painful to exercise until it becomes natural.

Slowly, but ever so surely, things were looking up. Because of my prayers and efforts with taking care of myself, I was getting some serious results, both in body and spirit. Still, the sugar-bet made life difficult. No doubt, I could handle not having treats; I'd done this before, but it was the whole idea of avoiding true self- discipline. Much like how the Savior had temptations but didn't give into them, I needed to be tested. Life and health aren't about taking the easy road and completely avoiding things. I needed to solve my problems, via portioning and keeping those jeans in mind. So, I cut the bet. I am strong enough to live with temptation!

You're probably still wondering, what about her self-worth? Did she ever find her identity?

I'm getting to that.

Throughout this period of self-doubt, fear, and searching, the Lord helped me learn something: I have my own kind of worth, I have my own story to tell. My thoughts, choices, perceptions, actions, style, and talents (yes Lauren, you do have those) make up who I am. No matter what I try to be, I will always be myself.

I'm okay with that.

There are things in this life that only I can do, and things that only I can give or share with others. It's nice to know that my life is made for me, not that friend whom I admire so much, not that woman on the magazine, just me. And other people are okay with that too. During this time, I've had so many people tell me such kind, uplifting things they've thought or liked about me. Nothing helps self-esteem like a good, heartfelt compliment. Also, those words remind me that my deeds and I have value. If I feel valued, why would I aspire to be anything other than myself? Of course, I want to improve who I am, but there's no need to turn into somebody else.

So now, whenever I get on that treadmill, I think of this stuff. I remember what I went through, and feel powerful. My goal is in sight, and every step I take brings me closer.

Happy Leap Year!

I couldn't resist posting on such a special day. If you're looking to celebrate this once-every-four-years holiday, I suggest watching this:

It's a feel-good show about a woman who travels to Ireland with intentions of proposing to her fiance, an acceptable action for Leap Day. However, nothing goes as planned, and you are laughing almost the entire time. Thankfully, though, the story ends adorably.

This movie provides some interesting thought. Anna--the heroine--is set on a certain path for herself. She fully intends to marry her fiance, Jeremy. Yet, as the movie progresses, she finds Jeremy to be a shallow, insincere user. And, the more time Anna spends with Declan, the man she hires to drive her to Ireland, the more she feels he is the right choice. Anna's original path led her somewhere completely unexpected. Much like this scenario, we may start out with a planned motive or outcome, but then end up with something utterly different--but ultimately better.

You need to go with your gut. Try things, be daring. Follow your dreams! Events are set in such a particular and fragile order. I’m not talking about fate here, but I am talking about choices. The people you meet, places you go, and things you do and learn all come by doing certain things. You might not have met that wonderful person had you not decided to grab a Jamba Juice, for example. Once in a lifetime things, people. That’s why Leap Day is so special; it only comes every four years, so it seems worthy of such precise and important decisions.
 
Who knows? You may just end up with everything you never knew you hoped for.

Truth From 1835

"Having shown the foundation of human rights in human nature, it may be asked what they are. Perhaps they do not admit very accurate definition, any more than human duties; for the Spiritual cannot be weighed and measured like the Material. Perhaps a minute criticism may find fault with the most guarded exposition of them; but they may easily be stated in language which the unsophisticated mind will recognize as the truth. Volumes could not do justice to them; and yet, perhaps they may be comprehended in one sentence. They may all be comprised in the right, which belongs to every rational being, to exercise his powers for the promotion of his own and others' Happiness and Virtue. These are the great purposes of his existence. For these his powers were given, and to these he is bound to devote them.

"He is bound to make himself and others better and happier, according to his ability. His ability for this work is a sacred trust from God, the greatest of all trusts. He must answer for the waste or abuse of it. He consequently suffers an unspeakable wrong, when stripped of it by others, or forbidden to employ it for the ends for which it is given; when the powers, which God has given for such generous uses, are impaired or destroyed by others, or the means for their action and growth are forcibly withheld. As every human being is bound to employ his faculties for his own and others' good, there is an obligation on each to leave all free for the accomplishment of his end; and whoever respects this obligation, whoever uses his own, without invading others' powers, or obstructing other's duties, has a sacred, indefeasible right to be unassailed, unobstructed, unharmed by all with whom he may be connected.

"Here is the grand, all-comprehending right of human nature. Every man should revere it, should assert it for himself and for all, and should bear solemn testimony against every infraction of it, by whomsoever made or endured. Having considered the great fundamental right of human nature, particular rights may be easily deduced. Every man has a right to exercise and invigorate his intellect or the power of knowledge, for knowledge is the essential condition of successful effort for every good; and whoever obstructs or quenches the intellectual life in another, inflicts a grievous and irreparable wrong. Every man has a right to inquire into his duty, and to conform himself to what he learns of it. Every man has a right to use the means, given by God and sanctioned by virtue, for bettering his condition. He has a right to be respected according to his moral worth; a right to be regarded as a member of the community to which he belongs, and to be protected by impartial laws; and a right to be exempted from coercion, stripes, and punishment, as long as he respects the rights of others. He has a right to an equivalent for his labor. He has a right to sustain domestic relations, to discharge their duties, and to enjoy the happiness which flows from fidelity in these and other domestic relations.

"Such are a few of human rights."

- William Ellery Channing, Rights, 1835

Growing Up

This weekend hit me hard.

Every way I look at it, I am no little girl anymore. Not that I still wish I were one, but that it feels so sudden. Just a couple weeks ago, I found myself in the Barnes and Noble cafe reading a novel in which the main character shared my age. I realized that the younger kids reading these books saw these characters as quite grown up, ready to handle anything. Also, I was by myself, buying my own hot chocolate, using my own cell phone, and going to a party later on that night. I don't know, but I felt pretty independent. I still do now.

 This year I have learned more about myself and the world than ever. I know that I am in charge of myself and my decisions. As William Ernest Henley's poem Invictus declares, "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." Nobody can do things for me; if I want or need something, I must decide and/or work to have it. I know where I am going with my life. Moreover, I've been taking some college classes, and because of them, I know so much more about the world and its origins. My understanding of who we are as a people, as a country, and as a world are not perfect or extensive by any means, but I feel they are currently larger and more beneficial to me than before.

Yet, all these things do not compare with what this weekend has shown me. I want to break it up into three categories: Love, Life, and Death.

Love (a fitting song would be A Thousand Years by Christina Perri)

One of my closer cousins was sealed in the Oquirrh LDS Temple in Utah to his true love on Saturday. They are such a fitting and beautiful couple. I had the honor of attending their reception yesterday at one of the most beautiful buildings. The room was decorated very tastefully, and there was romantic and happy music playing. Outside, lights weaved around a gazebo and the ironwork lacing the patio. The night was beautiful. However, the best part was when the married couple began to dance. The song I mentioned earlier was playing, and for a while, it was just the two of them dancing.

They never broke eye contact. As they stepped in unison so gracefully, their love was wonderfully evident. I could see their happiness, and it made me infinitely happy to see it. The couple's start on eternity was a beautiful one. I am not sure if I have felt love so strongly in a room before.

In this moment, watching the blissfully happy couple dance, I wondered of my own marriage. Who will I marry? What kind of man will I meet, and come to love so purely? Girls often think about this, and I am certainly no exception. As I sat underneath the star-like lights of the gazebo, I thought of this future happiness, and knew that I had work to do. Because I want him to find everything he wants in me.


Life (here, You and Me by Dave Matthews Band seemed perfect)

My parents have some dear friends who've been unable to bear children for years. They would always tell me and my brothers how much their friends wanted children. I always felt so sad for them, especially because these friends were such kind people.

But, yesterday, my parents brought fantastic news: their friends are pregnant! The couple is using a surrogate, but the components are all theirs. What a blessing!

I cannot imagine the trial of being denied something as precious and desired as children. It must have made these friends even more ready for what came to them. Life is just so precious. Most times we take it for granted, not realizing that it is a gift. We are each granted one life, and we can use it as we please. We can even use it to create more life, and help those tiny lives find their path in this world. To grow strong, and kind, and capable. I hope to be able to do this.

Sadly, life's gift only lasts so long. Some lives last as long as a novel. Others, only the length of a chapter.

Death (Fix You, Coldplay)

On Saturday, a friend of mine died. A car accident.

At first, I couldn't comprehend it. What? She died? But then, the shock set in, and I knew. She was so young, only twenty. Just a month or two ago, I was talking to her in TJ Maxx, where she worked. How clearly I can see her face and hear her voice. Everyone in my neighborhood feels the loss.

Reader, do you know what it feels like to have someone near to you die? I never did, until now. It is so strange, to think she is gone, and never coming back. I can't help but feel that it will be a long time before I see her again. But, I know that she is okay. I know she is where love abounds and life continues, though in a different sphere.

I believe it will take a while for everyone to get used to this. This woman was a very loved one, and I know we all miss her. However, we need to remember where she is, and Whose hands she is now in. All will be well.

This makes me appreciate my life, and those of the people I love around me, so much more. I want to be a better person and use this time I have the best I can. I am sure that's what my friend did.

Now

I know I am still young and have lots to learn, but now more than ever, I feel like I'm growing up. In a little over a year, I'll be going to college. Independent life begins there, the future starts there. I'm a bit scared, but that's exactly what growing up is. It's scary, exciting, and sometimes difficult. Most of all, though, growing up is learning to deal with what life throws at you and smiling despite it all. Because of it all! 

That Which Cannot Remain Silent

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words, and that which cannot remain silent." -Victor Hugo

How true Hugo's quote rings! Everyone loves music. No matter what form it may take, music finds a way to express our innermost desires, hopes, wishes, feelings, and thoughts. That's why people like it so much, because it makes comprehensible what we cannot express ourselves. There is also the fact that a single song can have many interpretations. We're all different, so our perceptions and interpretations are, too.

So, I want to share some music I really like (each song name will have a link so you can listen to it!). I can't express all that these songs do and say for me. There aren't words to do that. But, I will do my best.

• A song for Courage: Stronger by Kelly Clarkson

When I went through my tremendous change of attitude, I found this song on iTunes. It fit perfectly for what I felt, because what I went through just about killed me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller ... What doesn't kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter." These words are my anthem! And though this is technically a break-up song, I still think it works. One could relate the person Kelly's talking to to whatever kept him or her down. Either way, Stronger helps me do the difficult things life throws at me, and do them with my head held high.

• A song for Loneliness: Lost by Michael Buble 

There have been quite a few times in my life when I've wondered whether I was doing anything right, or if anyone could hear me. A friend posted this song on Facebook, and when I listened to it, the tears just came! Michael's heartbroken crooning filled the void, so to speak. Sometimes songs are great reminders of what we have, and this one was no exception. We are never alone. Even when it feels as if no one in the world knows what you're going through, God is there. He always will be.

• For Frustration: No Roads Left by Linkin Park

At one time or another, we've all felt so frustrated that we either want to cry or punch something, whether the feeling is aimed at ourselves or something else. No Roads Left acts as my output, because for me, most of my frustrations come from myself. It voices exactly how I feel. So really, all you need to do is listen to it. Another reason I love this song is because of the singer's voice; there's something about it that makes me shiver.

• For Anticipation: In the Mood by The Andrews Sisters 

My situation for this one is kind of silly, but it works. So, I was getting ready for my first date, and I almost couldn't breathe because of nervousness! My iPod was playing, and this beauty came on. Among the jovial jazz band and peppy vocals, the song talks about "getting in the mood" for a fun evening of dancing. It describes both sides of the evening, the girl's and the boy's, which fit my situation perfectly. After listening to In the Mood, I couldn't wait to go on that date! Even though the circumstances have changed, I still refer to this song whenever I am nervous or excited for something. What better way than with music from the '40s?

• For Feeling Good: My Body by Young the Giant

Don't you just love when life is so good you want to dance? This song definitely matches those emotions with its upbeat guitar and expressive vocals. Plus, the message works for any situation: "My body tells me no, but I want more!" Exercising, partying (the virtuous and alcohol-free kind), staying awake, studying, the list goes on and on. A part of me feels like this song talks about self-mastery, too, and how good it feels to have it. I like listening to this whenever I've done something fun, hard, or exciting. 

• For Finding Oneself: Gonna Get Over You by Sara Bareilles

First off, the music of this little ditty could make anyone smile. Lively yet meaningful piano and guitar chords lure the listener to what Sara really has to say. She talks about breaking away from the smothering bonds of a relationship, and becoming what she wants to be. Much like Stronger, I don't necessarily relate this song to a person. I make it match whatever's been holding me back. In fact, my post "The Other Side of Someday" is named after a line in this song. If you want to really find out what I think about this song, read that. But, I will say that Gonna Get Over You boosts one to get out of the mess they're in. 

• For Peace: Gracie's Theme by Paul Cardall

Among all the precious masterpieces in Paul Cardall's new album, this one especially struck me. I love the initial feathery-lightness of the piano, and then its beautiful shift to gentle, quiet power. There really isn't much more I can convey about this song. What I feel about it seems too pure for words, if you know what I mean. 

• For Thought: How To Save A Life by The Fray

Ultimately, this is one of my most favorite songs. As you've already noted, it is the namesake for this blog. In How To Save A Life, the vocalists narrates the experiences of an individual trying to save someone. I have found that I can connect with both the rescuer and the one needing rescued. I can use my abilities to help someone, but at the same time, I am the one who needs some guidance. You see, life happens. We make decisions, so do other people, and we must do the best we can with what we have. Sometimes, though, our best isn't good enough, and we must have aid to get through. So many people in my life have given me that friendly hand to hold on to, and I want more than anything to be that person for someone else. That's why I love this song so much; it's as if it illustrates an entire life in the space of four minutes. Again, I cannot touch on everything that moves me in this song, but I do hope you have discovered a little bit of the love and understanding I have for it, as well as for all the other music I listed.