But it is mine.
Lately, my blog posts haven't really been about ME. I suppose that's a good thing, but I feel like I've used my musings and ideas to hide from what's really been on my mind. I will warn you though, this is a bit impromptu, so it may not be the most cohesive post I've ever written...
One could say all of this started with a pair of pants. And running.
Back in early February, I still had all that lovely holiday baggage, and I'm not talking about the good feelings or decorations. It was the junk food-eating mentality. I didn't really care about what I was eating, and besides, I had other things to worry about, like Calculus, papers, and reading. But, nobody feels good when they eat too much of the wrong thing and it shows. Please know, I am not a big person by any means; I am actually pretty petite. However, I felt like a sumo wrestler because of my lifestyle. It embarrassed me, and so I avoided wearing the cute clothes I loved. I found myself staring longingly at the cute pairs of pants I saw on other girls, and wishing I could look that good in such jeans. So, I decided that I would look good in some new jeans.
A couple years ago, I went on a no-sugar bet. For two and a half months, I abstained from snacks and junk foods with sugar in them. By working out and eating right, I was in the best shape! Last month, as I was deciding how to get rid of the holiday baggage, I thought I'd try this route again, along with some good exercise. All the other ways I'd tried previously had failed, so I figured I should have a definite, sure-fire plan.
Before I go into that plan, I'm sure this sounds very superficial. Like I only cared about how I looked or something. That isn't true. Throughout this time, I went through some self-worth issues. There was a friend of mine who I really admired. She seemed to have everything I wanted, from the way she looked to the way she expressed herself. I thought that because she embodied what I wanted, what was left for me to be? Super ridiculous, I know, but I seriously felt like I didn't have an identity. Where was my voice? Who and what was I?
Some part of me hungered to find what I was worth. What kind of person could I be, how could I show my uniqueness, if I had any? What did I believe?
Back to my plan. One of my Young Women's leaders invited me to go exercising with her up at the college. At four in the morning. I said, heck yes! We decided we would go every Tuesday and Thursday. This combined with my sugar-bet looked very promising for me.
Thus began the running. The majority of my workout consists of running hard for a couple of miles. Call me crazy, but I love it. Running has always been an escape and a joy for me. I won't lie, it can be hard, but it's a good kind of hard. I always felt better about myself after working out for that hour in the mornings. But, though I was closer than before, I still had a while to go until I met my goal. It's difficult to see how your own seemingly great progress compares to where others are. Plus, my classes in school were taking their toll on me and I continued to view myself as less than important.
Time passed and I came closer and closer to my goal. Unfortunately, my self-esteem remained dismal. Because of this oh-so fantastic mixture, along with school work, I was affected spiritually also. It was one of those times where my head felt so heavy I couldn't look up. I worked at doing everything I was supposed to, and still I didn't feel adequate. These feelings weren't the kind one really shares with friends or family, so I had only one possible option:
Go vertical.
Praying, fasting, and working on being more serving, kind, and thoughtful of others was the spiritual part of my fitness plan. I knew I couldn't handle every aspect of my life on my own. Only Heavenly Father could help me with some of the things I struggled with. The road was not easy. Faith is a muscle as well as a gift, so it's painful to exercise until it becomes natural.
Slowly, but ever so surely, things were looking up. Because of my prayers and efforts with taking care of myself, I was getting some serious results, both in body and spirit. Still, the sugar-bet made life difficult. No doubt, I could handle not having treats; I'd done this before, but it was the whole idea of avoiding true self- discipline. Much like how the Savior had temptations but didn't give into them, I needed to be tested. Life and health aren't about taking the easy road and completely avoiding things. I needed to solve my problems, via portioning and keeping those jeans in mind. So, I cut the bet. I am strong enough to live with temptation!
You're probably still wondering, what about her self-worth? Did she ever find her identity?
I'm getting to that.
Throughout this period of self-doubt, fear, and searching, the Lord helped me learn something: I have my own kind of worth, I have my own story to tell. My thoughts, choices, perceptions, actions, style, and talents (yes Lauren, you do have those) make up who I am. No matter what I try to be, I will always be myself.
I'm okay with that.
There are things in this life that only I can do, and things that only I can give or share with others. It's nice to know that my life is made for me, not that friend whom I admire so much, not that woman on the magazine, just me. And other people are okay with that too. During this time, I've had so many people tell me such kind, uplifting things they've thought or liked about me. Nothing helps self-esteem like a good, heartfelt compliment. Also, those words remind me that my deeds and I have value. If I feel valued, why would I aspire to be anything other than myself? Of course, I want to improve who I am, but there's no need to turn into somebody else.
So now, whenever I get on that treadmill, I think of this stuff. I remember what I went through, and feel powerful. My goal is in sight, and every step I take brings me closer.
One could say all of this started with a pair of pants. And running.
Back in early February, I still had all that lovely holiday baggage, and I'm not talking about the good feelings or decorations. It was the junk food-eating mentality. I didn't really care about what I was eating, and besides, I had other things to worry about, like Calculus, papers, and reading. But, nobody feels good when they eat too much of the wrong thing and it shows. Please know, I am not a big person by any means; I am actually pretty petite. However, I felt like a sumo wrestler because of my lifestyle. It embarrassed me, and so I avoided wearing the cute clothes I loved. I found myself staring longingly at the cute pairs of pants I saw on other girls, and wishing I could look that good in such jeans. So, I decided that I would look good in some new jeans.
A couple years ago, I went on a no-sugar bet. For two and a half months, I abstained from snacks and junk foods with sugar in them. By working out and eating right, I was in the best shape! Last month, as I was deciding how to get rid of the holiday baggage, I thought I'd try this route again, along with some good exercise. All the other ways I'd tried previously had failed, so I figured I should have a definite, sure-fire plan.
Before I go into that plan, I'm sure this sounds very superficial. Like I only cared about how I looked or something. That isn't true. Throughout this time, I went through some self-worth issues. There was a friend of mine who I really admired. She seemed to have everything I wanted, from the way she looked to the way she expressed herself. I thought that because she embodied what I wanted, what was left for me to be? Super ridiculous, I know, but I seriously felt like I didn't have an identity. Where was my voice? Who and what was I?
Some part of me hungered to find what I was worth. What kind of person could I be, how could I show my uniqueness, if I had any? What did I believe?
Back to my plan. One of my Young Women's leaders invited me to go exercising with her up at the college. At four in the morning. I said, heck yes! We decided we would go every Tuesday and Thursday. This combined with my sugar-bet looked very promising for me.
Thus began the running. The majority of my workout consists of running hard for a couple of miles. Call me crazy, but I love it. Running has always been an escape and a joy for me. I won't lie, it can be hard, but it's a good kind of hard. I always felt better about myself after working out for that hour in the mornings. But, though I was closer than before, I still had a while to go until I met my goal. It's difficult to see how your own seemingly great progress compares to where others are. Plus, my classes in school were taking their toll on me and I continued to view myself as less than important.
Time passed and I came closer and closer to my goal. Unfortunately, my self-esteem remained dismal. Because of this oh-so fantastic mixture, along with school work, I was affected spiritually also. It was one of those times where my head felt so heavy I couldn't look up. I worked at doing everything I was supposed to, and still I didn't feel adequate. These feelings weren't the kind one really shares with friends or family, so I had only one possible option:
Go vertical.
Praying, fasting, and working on being more serving, kind, and thoughtful of others was the spiritual part of my fitness plan. I knew I couldn't handle every aspect of my life on my own. Only Heavenly Father could help me with some of the things I struggled with. The road was not easy. Faith is a muscle as well as a gift, so it's painful to exercise until it becomes natural.
Slowly, but ever so surely, things were looking up. Because of my prayers and efforts with taking care of myself, I was getting some serious results, both in body and spirit. Still, the sugar-bet made life difficult. No doubt, I could handle not having treats; I'd done this before, but it was the whole idea of avoiding true self- discipline. Much like how the Savior had temptations but didn't give into them, I needed to be tested. Life and health aren't about taking the easy road and completely avoiding things. I needed to solve my problems, via portioning and keeping those jeans in mind. So, I cut the bet. I am strong enough to live with temptation!
You're probably still wondering, what about her self-worth? Did she ever find her identity?
I'm getting to that.
Throughout this period of self-doubt, fear, and searching, the Lord helped me learn something: I have my own kind of worth, I have my own story to tell. My thoughts, choices, perceptions, actions, style, and talents (yes Lauren, you do have those) make up who I am. No matter what I try to be, I will always be myself.
I'm okay with that.
There are things in this life that only I can do, and things that only I can give or share with others. It's nice to know that my life is made for me, not that friend whom I admire so much, not that woman on the magazine, just me. And other people are okay with that too. During this time, I've had so many people tell me such kind, uplifting things they've thought or liked about me. Nothing helps self-esteem like a good, heartfelt compliment. Also, those words remind me that my deeds and I have value. If I feel valued, why would I aspire to be anything other than myself? Of course, I want to improve who I am, but there's no need to turn into somebody else.
So now, whenever I get on that treadmill, I think of this stuff. I remember what I went through, and feel powerful. My goal is in sight, and every step I take brings me closer.
That's my Lauren. You are incredible, truly incredible.
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