The Hiatus Is Over

I am an odd person.

My heart, mind, and eyes are glued to the future while I chew thoughtfully on the past, trying to digest all that has happened in my life. All the while, my feet are firmly--and unfortunately, so my heart says--planted in the present.

What about the now?

Somehow, I have managed to carefully sidestep the little moments that make up the present. Too many times have I thought about some future moment and forgotten to enjoy right now. Or, I've been too preoccupied with something I did or felt in the past to appreciate what goes on around me. Either way, I'm missing out on the moment.

Here's an example: The other day, my cousin and I woke up before sunrise to go on a hike called Adam's Canyon. This beautiful trail wove into richly greened mountains, and clouds nestled quietly on top, enveloping the mountain's low peaks. No one else was up, so my cousin and I had the hike completely to ourselves. Because of rainfall from the night and earlier that morning, the trail was damp and the air had a cool and calming heaviness to it. As we walked among slick stones and under lush canopies, I suddenly realized where I was and what I was doing. I had been so focused on our destination that I neglected the journey, literally and figuratively speaking. It was as if my eyes had been opened, taking in everything around me, when before they had been tightly shut. I think it was then that I truly began to enjoy that misty morning hike. And, because I took the time to stop and enjoy myself, that memory will hold a higher place in my mind than it would have had I not.

Maybe that's why I haven't been happy; maybe that's the reason I've felt this icky sense of self-doubt. If one doesn't take the time to look where they are going once in a while, they can get lost pretty fast.

I think fear has a lot to do with this. Fear of failure, fear of messing up what could be, fear of just not being good enough. Fear, if not harnessed right, can lead to worry. If I worry, what will get done? What good will it do me? You see, a little bit of fear drives one to work hard, but too much is debilitating. I have some lyrics to illustrate my point. They're from John Mayer's song Age of Worry.

Close your eyes and clone yourself
Build your heart an army
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong

Don’t be scared to walk alone
Don’t be scared to like it
There’s no time that you must be home
So sleep where darkness falls

Alive in the age of worry
Smile in the age of worry
Go wild in the age of worry
And say worry, why should I care?

No your fight is not within
Yours is with your timing
Dream your dreams but don’t pretend
Make friends with what you are
Give your heart then change your mind
You’re allowed to do it
Cause God knows it’s been done to you
And somehow you got through it

Alive in the age of worry
Rage in the age of worry
Sing out in the age of worry
And say worry, why should I care?

Rage in the age of worry
Act your age in the age of worry
And say worry, get out of here!

I tend to worry a lot; ask anybody who knows me. So, these words hold quite a bit of resonance for me. One of my favorite parts of this song is the idea of banishing worry away and living as we're meant to. With courage and joy.
  
Another part of relishing in the present is letting go of the past. Yes, easier (and more frequently) said than done; it's a common phrase that people take for granted. Nonetheless, dwelling on the past has greatly limited me. I might long too much after a previous moment, or beat myself up for a past mistake. Moving forward gets rather difficult if one always looks back at the past. To this I now say, live and learn. Forgive, and anticipate the greater happiness that is to come. I think I've gotten better at that. The movie Meet the Robinsons does a fantastic job of expressing this. 

This kid, Lewis, can't let go of the past, either. However, during the movie, throughout his journey of trust, confidence, and acceptance, he learns what would later become his motto for life: 

Keep moving forward

What a succinct way to say an important lesson. Progression is key; in order to become better and stronger, I need to move forward. Let go of those things that are holding me back. Set goals to be better. Appreciate my experiences.

Now that I've discussed fear and the past, I want to talk about savoring the little moments of everyday life, the right now.

Sometimes we get lost in thinking about the big things in life, assuming that they matter most. We can be constantly stuck in the before and after, fretting and planning. The late President Gordon B. Hinkley said this: "It is not so much the major events, as the small day-to-day decisions, that map the course of our living." So true! Who we are is what we do. So then, what am I doing? Am I making sure to enjoy the blessings I've been given? Am I using the time I have to make the lives of those around me better? It's definitely something to think about. 

Let's think about today. It's the only thing we need to worry about. In fact, 3rd Nephi 13:34 puts it quite nicely. "Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof." Accordingly, decisions don't have to be huge. If I'm brave today, if I'm diligent today, then I can make a difference in myself. Tomorrow will reflect my good decisions, and that will bring a purer, simpler happiness than anything else could. 

There are many moments like that in life. Looking at all the miles one has run so diligently, laying on a freshly cut lawn in the summertime, finding out a great score on an exam, listening to a new song, sharing an engaging conversation with a friend, the list goes on. It's the little things that matter most. By small and simple things are great things brought to pass. I could go on and on about this, but for simplicity's sake, I'd like to borrow the words of Rob Thomas in his song Little Wonders: 

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain

Don't just remember these moments. Take it a step further. Live them.

What I Am

say that I'm changed, say I'm different
       maybe I'll finally understand
say I'll let go, say it's obvious
       oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
        I'm ready to believe

so tell me I'm strong, tell me I'm weak
        tell me I'll never, ever bend
then tell me I'm fire, tell me I'm cold
        cold oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
        I'm ready to believe

and all the world can watch the choices you make
        all the world can watch each tiny mistake
let the world watch to let the world wait for you

so tell me I’m wrong, or tell me I’m cruel
        tell me I’d fight, yeah tell me I fought for the wrong things

but I'm ready, I'm ready
        I'm ready to believe

(lyrics from Correatown's song All the World)

Check It Out!

If you look directly to your right, you'll see there's a new Pages section for my blog! Right under Home, there's a link called "The Fray." This link will take you to a page all about the band who helped inspire me to write this blog. Check it out, have a blast!

Still

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know that I am here

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes for you

And covers you with fear and shame

Be still and know that I'm with you

And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed

And sleep no longer comes

Remember all the words I said

Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley

And the shadow comes down from the hill

If morning never comes to be

Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go

And lose where you came from

If no one is standing beside you

Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know I am

These beautiful lyrics are from The Fray's song "Be Still." When I first listened to it, I was struck by how much the words sounded like God's. Like Jesus Christ's. And I think they are. 

Whenever I need a moment of comfort or quiet strength, or merely a reminder that I am never alone, I turn to this song.

Maybe these reverent words will bring you peace, too.

Pour Moi?

In all my blogging existence, I never expected to be the recipient of a blogging award.

Well, one of my dear friends and fellow-bloggers awarded me the "Liebster Award." It's a pass-along award given to small blogs with fewer than 200 followers. Psh. Yeah. Like I'm even close to that. Even so, I am honored to receive this.

My friend who gave me this wonderful honor is Rachel from There and Back Again, an absolutely marvelous blog where I am constantly awed and inspired. I love how she writes all about life and the hope we can find in it. Plus, she makes it totally relatable and fun. Definitely a blog worth checking out!

The really cool--and also slightly daunting--part of this award is passing it along. Most of the blogs I follow have already or recently been given the Liebster--except for one, and that one truly deserves it:

• Jessica, from Mess of Jess, hooks people in with her easy, pure style. It's about her. Not in the prideful, look-at-me-and-my-fabulous-life about her, but the this-is-me, I'm-real kind. Jess writes of life's simple joys and true experiences. I love how she gives personal detail and touch, helping readers feel like they know her. Also, there's no fluff; she gets to the point and makes it beautifully. 

Go check these blogs out! Well, those of you five who don't already know one or both of these blogs....

Lauren Maker

This past week, in a word, was unexpected.

My dear grandmother died, General Conference occurred, I didn't work on that scholarship I meant to, I didn't reach certain goals I set, and it even snowed on Friday. 

Part of me cries out, What do I do with all this?? 

The wiser, more capable part of me quietly replies, Keep running. Do what you know to be right, keep going. The Lord will take care of you if you take care of the effort. 

And it's true, isn't it? I've always known it to be. Failure cannot prevail when one endures in the righteous cause of a life well-lived. At the very least, complete failure cannot occur. There are those times when it seems as if little mistakes, small letdowns, seep through the cracks. Sometimes, those little things threaten to break down one's entire foundation. 

But I can't let that happen.

There's this book by Orson Scott Card I read recently, called Seventh Son. It's essentially a retelling of the Joseph Smith story, but with folk magic and all sorts of creative twists. The big thing I want to share about the book is the concept of making and unmaking. In this book, Card presents the idea that God stands for making, building, and creating, which is the epitome of good. On the other hand, Satan stands for unmaking, destroying, and annihilating, the center of evil. I want to be a maker, one who builds and upholds things like families, standards, and knowledge. By doing what I know is right, and enduring the difficult things, I will be building upon my foundation, my rock. 

Let me put this into an analogy. My experiences and choices in life serve as the bricks of a wall or house. No brick is the same, some are long, some are different colors, but together they tell my story as I keep adding throughout my existence. The Lord represents the mortar between those bricks, cementing what I know and have learned. Though this wall of mine may become weathered, though parts may start to wear, it will never fall. I could never abandon what I know, for if I did, what would I hold onto during times of trial and heartache?

So this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna keep going, making my life by studying, running, giving, and remembering--all that I've loved and learned over the years. As long as I'm doing that, my work and beliefs and dreams cannot be unmade. I will do my best to be a maker.

My Day

"These are days never to be forgotten." - Elaine S. Dalton

Yesterday, I had the privilege of going to Utah with a group of young women from my ward. The first thing we did when we arrived was to go shopping at the brand new City Creek Mall in Salt Lake. Wow. This place was huge! I have never been in a mall so expansive, nor been in a place so filled with people. Seriously, yesterday put a filled football stadium to shame. (I didn't take this picture. If I had, it would show all those people!) I had so much fun talking, looking for and trying on clothes, and sight-seeing with my friends. Not to mention, the weather was perfect.
 

This is the Salt Lake Temple. What a beautiful work of architecture. To me, this temple is a castle, both in appearance and in purpose. It represents the most wonderful and beautiful parts of the Gospel, and it protects these things within its strong walls. This picture shows the temple almost exactly as I saw it yesterday while walking out of the Conference Center. Though I haven't decided yet, this temple is certainly on my list of potential temples to be married in. 

These are the lovely young ladies who sang at the General Young Women's Conference I mentioned earlier. I got to see and hear them in person! All their songs were beautiful, but "I Feel My Savior's Love" moved me most. Music is a powerful medium for truth and expression. Never underestimate it. 

Here's the Young Women's General Presidency. They are so loving, strong, and encouraging. Each of their talks provided some insight into my life, helping me find strength and ways of improvement. I think I enjoyed  the talks of Sister Elaine S. Dalton and Sister Mary N. Cook most. Because of these amazing women, I cannot wait to take on each new day, eagerly absorbing my education, enjoying what life has offered me, and building my future. 

When you look at this picture, it's hard not to smile, isn't it? This is President Thomas S. Monson, the prophet of the Church. He spoke yesterday as well, and I could feel the love and truth in the words he spoke. How fortunate we are to have a living prophet of God in our midst! This great man is the mouthpiece of God, and it was wonderful to hear him last night. His talk consisted of fitting counsel and guidance about where we're headed in our lives, and what we can to to become that righteous person we've always wanted to be. When he said that last part, my listening intensified. President Monson continued to show how each of us can spend "a lifetime close to the Lord", by seeking heavenly guidance one day at a time. For by doing this, we cannot become lost or dissuaded. Instead, our testimonies, confidence, and Christ-like attributes will grow. The future will not be something to fear, but something to look forward to. I love President Monson. I know he is our prophet today, and I cannot wait to hear him speak for General Conference this weekend. 

I probably saw many of these girls yesterday during my various activities. The cool thing, though, is that the majority of young women in Salt Lake City yesterday came for this conference. They came to hear the servants of the Lord, and to be knit closer to one another through righteous activity. A day like yesterday can never be forgotten. That day made us stronger, happier, and more ready to take on the world. I loved this little trip to Utah.