Writer's Dilemma

With the exception of some inspiration on Sunday, I've hit a major writer's block.

For quite some time, topics and experiences have stepped into my mind, wondering if I'll ever put them to words. The thing is, I can't. Part of me wants to write them, but once I sit down and think of what exactly I'm going to write, I draw up an emotional blank. It's as if there is no conviction behind the ideas.

What then? Could I write about something I feel nothing for? I think if I did, I'd feel like a hypocrite. 

Then... what responsibility do writers bear?

Everyone has learned that writers possess many purposes: explaining, persuading, informing, entertaining, and sometimes even relieving. However, I believe a writer's real purpose is truth. Whatever form it may take, be it memories, stories, or documentaries, the words must be true. I don't think people realize the effect their writing can have on others. Their words go out to millions of people, all with different perspectives and beliefs. A handful of letters can change all that. For better, or for worse.

So then, are writers just aloof creators, streaming words effortlessly, never taking thought as to what they are putting out there? Do they do it all for the sake of a story? Quite possibly. At least, I presume they would be more careful if they recognized the extent of their impact. And yet, there are writers who are very deliberate in what they create.

I'd like to think some of my favorite authors know what they're doing with their writing. Jane Austen, Orson Scott Card, J. K. Rowling, Charles Dickens, Ally Condie, C. S. Lewis, Brandon Sanderson, the list goes on! Still, I wonder if a writer can become desensitized after a long period of time. Much like some doctors grow so accustomed to the human body that they forget what a marvel it is. Could a writer really forget the power of writing? Thereby leading themselves to abuse it, or to become careless?

I guess the heart of the matter is the fine line of presenting evil without making evil attractive. For example, people swear. I understand that. Accordingly, a minor curse or two is acceptable, though not preferable. Nonetheless, must there be sexually crude things? Just the other day, I was immersed in a book by one of my most favorite authors, when I came upon a shockingly inappropriate passage. This guy is LDS! His previous books are clean, though not in a naive or innocent way. This recent stumble of his disappointed me greatly. Now, understand, I am familiar and pretty okay with flirtatious-bordering-on-innuendo type stuff. It's fairly normal in today's society. But, there are deeper and darker things out there, and it wounds me that great writers would stoop so low.

There is a careful balance to depicting things as they really are. One must be truthful in writing, lest they mislead the reader--both good and evil must receive their due--but at the same time, one needs to present the difficult side of the truth in such a way that readers do not find it attractive. Thus, if a writer depicts truth in that sense, then readers should not fear. In fact, in an essay of Orson Scott Card's on this very topic, he stated that those who cannot understand why there are unsavory things in a book "have no perspective."

This gave me pause. The author I mentioned earlier possesses an otherwise clean track record, so did I miss something? Was there a higher purpose to that seemingly crude passage? I still haven't decided yet, but Card's words struck me even so.

Through all this rambling, I've come to a conclusion about a writer's responsibility. Foremost, writers, no matter how or what they write, must feel conviction for their work. Otherwise, what good is he to the world? There are already so many writers lacking care and substance floating around, spewing less-than-admirable work. Need there be any more? Additionally, a writer must convey truth. He must show both good and evil, but do so with caution. As a budding writer myself, I want to fulfill these requirements. In fact, much of the reason I write is to share the truths I've discovered.

My hope is that readers--you guys--can find truth and conviction in my writing, and that you may glean something from it. Something to help you, to give comfort or understanding. That is why I write.

My House on a Sunday Afternoon

It's June.

My brother is asleep on the couch.

A fan hums while it blows away the muggy summer heat.

My dad messes around with his smart phone as he sprawls on a different couch.

The cat stretches out luxuriously on the carpet, oblivious to the world and its cares.

My mother reads about jewelery online.

There's a book left open on the sofa, its pages turning when the fan comes its way.

A pair of house-shoes sits in the middle of the room.

Dove chocolate wrappers litter an end table.

The blinds are down.

My nails are painted a tropical hue.

We still haven't brought in the Sunday paper.

And I don't have a care in the world. 

(I wish this picture was actually part of my house.)

Mockingbird

I'm going to mimic a friend here and share a bunch of quotes that have lingered with me lately.

 “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” Robert Frost

 “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." Elizabeth Gilbert

 “In the end, all men die. How you lived will be far more important to the Almighty than what you accomplished.” Brandon Sanderson

Sometimes we just have to wait long enough...then we find out why exactly it was that we kept believing.

“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.”

 That's what I am here for. To make people happy.

“The journey is part of the experience - an expression of the seriousness of one's intent. One doesn't take the a train to Mecca.”

“But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.”

“There's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.”

“It's hard to beat a person who never gives up.”

She celebrated her laughter, her longing, her utter sense of well-being. This, she knew, was how living should feel. 

“It was one of those moments of perfect tiredness, of having conquered not only the work at hand, but the night who had blocked the way.”

 "She wanted none of those days to end, and it was always with disappointment that she watched the darkness stride forward. "

It's only half past the point of oblivion: The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run, the breath before the kiss, and the fear before the flames.

"The words were on their way, and when they arrived, she would hold them in her hands like the clouds, and she would wring them out like the rain."

My friends, this is what's been on my mind.  

The Hiatus Is Over

I am an odd person.

My heart, mind, and eyes are glued to the future while I chew thoughtfully on the past, trying to digest all that has happened in my life. All the while, my feet are firmly--and unfortunately, so my heart says--planted in the present.

What about the now?

Somehow, I have managed to carefully sidestep the little moments that make up the present. Too many times have I thought about some future moment and forgotten to enjoy right now. Or, I've been too preoccupied with something I did or felt in the past to appreciate what goes on around me. Either way, I'm missing out on the moment.

Here's an example: The other day, my cousin and I woke up before sunrise to go on a hike called Adam's Canyon. This beautiful trail wove into richly greened mountains, and clouds nestled quietly on top, enveloping the mountain's low peaks. No one else was up, so my cousin and I had the hike completely to ourselves. Because of rainfall from the night and earlier that morning, the trail was damp and the air had a cool and calming heaviness to it. As we walked among slick stones and under lush canopies, I suddenly realized where I was and what I was doing. I had been so focused on our destination that I neglected the journey, literally and figuratively speaking. It was as if my eyes had been opened, taking in everything around me, when before they had been tightly shut. I think it was then that I truly began to enjoy that misty morning hike. And, because I took the time to stop and enjoy myself, that memory will hold a higher place in my mind than it would have had I not.

Maybe that's why I haven't been happy; maybe that's the reason I've felt this icky sense of self-doubt. If one doesn't take the time to look where they are going once in a while, they can get lost pretty fast.

I think fear has a lot to do with this. Fear of failure, fear of messing up what could be, fear of just not being good enough. Fear, if not harnessed right, can lead to worry. If I worry, what will get done? What good will it do me? You see, a little bit of fear drives one to work hard, but too much is debilitating. I have some lyrics to illustrate my point. They're from John Mayer's song Age of Worry.

Close your eyes and clone yourself
Build your heart an army
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong

Don’t be scared to walk alone
Don’t be scared to like it
There’s no time that you must be home
So sleep where darkness falls

Alive in the age of worry
Smile in the age of worry
Go wild in the age of worry
And say worry, why should I care?

No your fight is not within
Yours is with your timing
Dream your dreams but don’t pretend
Make friends with what you are
Give your heart then change your mind
You’re allowed to do it
Cause God knows it’s been done to you
And somehow you got through it

Alive in the age of worry
Rage in the age of worry
Sing out in the age of worry
And say worry, why should I care?

Rage in the age of worry
Act your age in the age of worry
And say worry, get out of here!

I tend to worry a lot; ask anybody who knows me. So, these words hold quite a bit of resonance for me. One of my favorite parts of this song is the idea of banishing worry away and living as we're meant to. With courage and joy.
  
Another part of relishing in the present is letting go of the past. Yes, easier (and more frequently) said than done; it's a common phrase that people take for granted. Nonetheless, dwelling on the past has greatly limited me. I might long too much after a previous moment, or beat myself up for a past mistake. Moving forward gets rather difficult if one always looks back at the past. To this I now say, live and learn. Forgive, and anticipate the greater happiness that is to come. I think I've gotten better at that. The movie Meet the Robinsons does a fantastic job of expressing this. 

This kid, Lewis, can't let go of the past, either. However, during the movie, throughout his journey of trust, confidence, and acceptance, he learns what would later become his motto for life: 

Keep moving forward

What a succinct way to say an important lesson. Progression is key; in order to become better and stronger, I need to move forward. Let go of those things that are holding me back. Set goals to be better. Appreciate my experiences.

Now that I've discussed fear and the past, I want to talk about savoring the little moments of everyday life, the right now.

Sometimes we get lost in thinking about the big things in life, assuming that they matter most. We can be constantly stuck in the before and after, fretting and planning. The late President Gordon B. Hinkley said this: "It is not so much the major events, as the small day-to-day decisions, that map the course of our living." So true! Who we are is what we do. So then, what am I doing? Am I making sure to enjoy the blessings I've been given? Am I using the time I have to make the lives of those around me better? It's definitely something to think about. 

Let's think about today. It's the only thing we need to worry about. In fact, 3rd Nephi 13:34 puts it quite nicely. "Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof." Accordingly, decisions don't have to be huge. If I'm brave today, if I'm diligent today, then I can make a difference in myself. Tomorrow will reflect my good decisions, and that will bring a purer, simpler happiness than anything else could. 

There are many moments like that in life. Looking at all the miles one has run so diligently, laying on a freshly cut lawn in the summertime, finding out a great score on an exam, listening to a new song, sharing an engaging conversation with a friend, the list goes on. It's the little things that matter most. By small and simple things are great things brought to pass. I could go on and on about this, but for simplicity's sake, I'd like to borrow the words of Rob Thomas in his song Little Wonders: 

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain

Don't just remember these moments. Take it a step further. Live them.

What I Am

say that I'm changed, say I'm different
       maybe I'll finally understand
say I'll let go, say it's obvious
       oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
        I'm ready to believe

so tell me I'm strong, tell me I'm weak
        tell me I'll never, ever bend
then tell me I'm fire, tell me I'm cold
        cold oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
        I'm ready to believe

and all the world can watch the choices you make
        all the world can watch each tiny mistake
let the world watch to let the world wait for you

so tell me I’m wrong, or tell me I’m cruel
        tell me I’d fight, yeah tell me I fought for the wrong things

but I'm ready, I'm ready
        I'm ready to believe

(lyrics from Correatown's song All the World)

Check It Out!

If you look directly to your right, you'll see there's a new Pages section for my blog! Right under Home, there's a link called "The Fray." This link will take you to a page all about the band who helped inspire me to write this blog. Check it out, have a blast!

Still

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know that I am here

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes for you

And covers you with fear and shame

Be still and know that I'm with you

And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed

And sleep no longer comes

Remember all the words I said

Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley

And the shadow comes down from the hill

If morning never comes to be

Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go

And lose where you came from

If no one is standing beside you

Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know I am

These beautiful lyrics are from The Fray's song "Be Still." When I first listened to it, I was struck by how much the words sounded like God's. Like Jesus Christ's. And I think they are. 

Whenever I need a moment of comfort or quiet strength, or merely a reminder that I am never alone, I turn to this song.

Maybe these reverent words will bring you peace, too.