The Hiatus Is Over

I am an odd person.

My heart, mind, and eyes are glued to the future while I chew thoughtfully on the past, trying to digest all that has happened in my life. All the while, my feet are firmly--and unfortunately, so my heart says--planted in the present.

What about the now?

Somehow, I have managed to carefully sidestep the little moments that make up the present. Too many times have I thought about some future moment and forgotten to enjoy right now. Or, I've been too preoccupied with something I did or felt in the past to appreciate what goes on around me. Either way, I'm missing out on the moment.

Here's an example: The other day, my cousin and I woke up before sunrise to go on a hike called Adam's Canyon. This beautiful trail wove into richly greened mountains, and clouds nestled quietly on top, enveloping the mountain's low peaks. No one else was up, so my cousin and I had the hike completely to ourselves. Because of rainfall from the night and earlier that morning, the trail was damp and the air had a cool and calming heaviness to it. As we walked among slick stones and under lush canopies, I suddenly realized where I was and what I was doing. I had been so focused on our destination that I neglected the journey, literally and figuratively speaking. It was as if my eyes had been opened, taking in everything around me, when before they had been tightly shut. I think it was then that I truly began to enjoy that misty morning hike. And, because I took the time to stop and enjoy myself, that memory will hold a higher place in my mind than it would have had I not.

Maybe that's why I haven't been happy; maybe that's the reason I've felt this icky sense of self-doubt. If one doesn't take the time to look where they are going once in a while, they can get lost pretty fast.

I think fear has a lot to do with this. Fear of failure, fear of messing up what could be, fear of just not being good enough. Fear, if not harnessed right, can lead to worry. If I worry, what will get done? What good will it do me? You see, a little bit of fear drives one to work hard, but too much is debilitating. I have some lyrics to illustrate my point. They're from John Mayer's song Age of Worry.

Close your eyes and clone yourself
Build your heart an army
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong

Don’t be scared to walk alone
Don’t be scared to like it
There’s no time that you must be home
So sleep where darkness falls

Alive in the age of worry
Smile in the age of worry
Go wild in the age of worry
And say worry, why should I care?

No your fight is not within
Yours is with your timing
Dream your dreams but don’t pretend
Make friends with what you are
Give your heart then change your mind
You’re allowed to do it
Cause God knows it’s been done to you
And somehow you got through it

Alive in the age of worry
Rage in the age of worry
Sing out in the age of worry
And say worry, why should I care?

Rage in the age of worry
Act your age in the age of worry
And say worry, get out of here!

I tend to worry a lot; ask anybody who knows me. So, these words hold quite a bit of resonance for me. One of my favorite parts of this song is the idea of banishing worry away and living as we're meant to. With courage and joy.
  
Another part of relishing in the present is letting go of the past. Yes, easier (and more frequently) said than done; it's a common phrase that people take for granted. Nonetheless, dwelling on the past has greatly limited me. I might long too much after a previous moment, or beat myself up for a past mistake. Moving forward gets rather difficult if one always looks back at the past. To this I now say, live and learn. Forgive, and anticipate the greater happiness that is to come. I think I've gotten better at that. The movie Meet the Robinsons does a fantastic job of expressing this. 

This kid, Lewis, can't let go of the past, either. However, during the movie, throughout his journey of trust, confidence, and acceptance, he learns what would later become his motto for life: 

Keep moving forward

What a succinct way to say an important lesson. Progression is key; in order to become better and stronger, I need to move forward. Let go of those things that are holding me back. Set goals to be better. Appreciate my experiences.

Now that I've discussed fear and the past, I want to talk about savoring the little moments of everyday life, the right now.

Sometimes we get lost in thinking about the big things in life, assuming that they matter most. We can be constantly stuck in the before and after, fretting and planning. The late President Gordon B. Hinkley said this: "It is not so much the major events, as the small day-to-day decisions, that map the course of our living." So true! Who we are is what we do. So then, what am I doing? Am I making sure to enjoy the blessings I've been given? Am I using the time I have to make the lives of those around me better? It's definitely something to think about. 

Let's think about today. It's the only thing we need to worry about. In fact, 3rd Nephi 13:34 puts it quite nicely. "Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof." Accordingly, decisions don't have to be huge. If I'm brave today, if I'm diligent today, then I can make a difference in myself. Tomorrow will reflect my good decisions, and that will bring a purer, simpler happiness than anything else could. 

There are many moments like that in life. Looking at all the miles one has run so diligently, laying on a freshly cut lawn in the summertime, finding out a great score on an exam, listening to a new song, sharing an engaging conversation with a friend, the list goes on. It's the little things that matter most. By small and simple things are great things brought to pass. I could go on and on about this, but for simplicity's sake, I'd like to borrow the words of Rob Thomas in his song Little Wonders: 

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain

Don't just remember these moments. Take it a step further. Live them.