In Between

This last weekend (or two weekends ago, I suppose), I took my pilgrimage to the university of my dreams--BYU Provo.

One of my best friends attends college down there, so I had the privilege of visiting her for a couple days. I thought about describing the abundance of simple, fantastic euphoria I experienced down there, but instead, I'd like to share the affects it had on me.

Honestly, what can I say here to express how much I loved it? Without sounding too sacrilegious, it's  like picturing heaven, arriving there, and then finding that it's everything you hoped for and more. Unfortunately, however, it's only a visit to heaven. There are still things to do before staying there permanently.

This recognition weighed heavily upon my shoulders once the shuttle van began pulling away from BYU campus. As the van departed, I saw my friend and her boyfriend walking back up the steps in the distance. In that moment, I did not want to go. The realization struck me with such force that tears started welling up and spilling over. How could a place be and feel so much like home if I was not meant to be there? I belonged there.

It was also in this mere moment that the Lord gave me permission to go to BYU. All my life, I'd hoped to go, and even knew I would go there, but when the Lord confirmed my dream, my tears dissolved into a shamelessly large smile.

(Bear with me; the BYU fandom is just about over.)

 

Despite this indelible experience, I still had to return to my little ol' hometown. Still had to attend high school. Still had to wait. But there were bigger and better things! "Why must I stay?" my senioritis argued.

 

That Monday, in seminary, each student picked a topic from Preach My Gospel to research for a couple minutes. I chose Patience. As I searched each scripture pertaining to the topic, three stuck out to me: Mosiah 23:21, Romans 8:24-25, and Psalm 46:10. Each of these helped me to see the greater scheme of things:

• Always keep Christ in sight. He will help make being patient easier. After all, because of the Atonement, He knows what I am going through.

 

• Be still; take a moment to simply think, reflect, ponder, and pray. There is much the Spirit can teach if we but provide the time.

• Do not let the chance to be excellent pass you by. The Lord wants to see what you do while you are waiting. What do you choose to do in these small hours?

Earlier on in the lesson, the class had passed around pictures depicting different events in Christ's life. The one I ended up with was called "He Will Make It More:"

This picture added to what the scriptures taught me. The Lord will magnify my efforts to be excellent. It may take time, but the Lord will always bless the faithful and diligent. Because of this, I feel like I can make it through this final year.

I will endure, and I will THRIVE!




(Un)Ceremonious

Sometimes, you get carried away.

All throughout last week, I made sure to be bold. And I liked it. It was liberating and exciting to say and do what I wanted to. Not that anything I did was out of my standards, mind you, but that it was more outgoing than usual. I said hi to people I normally did not, my friends and I asked a new guy to join our table, I cracked jokes and shared witty remarks. All in all, I felt like Lauren 2.0 walking through the halls. Friday, especially, I let myself be daring.

This story is sort of my own Aesop's fable.

It was Homecoming. All of my friends and I sat in the bleachers, mingling, laughing, goofing off like only high school seniors can. Somewhere in the middle, we made plans to watch a movie at McKayla's* house. Why let the night end after the game? Later on, Tess, Jericha**, and I went to grab jackets. One thing led to another, though, and this small trip turned into a full-blown chocolate run to the grocery store. From there, we found ourselves meeting up with a friend of Jericha's.

 

Bit of back-story, here. This friend of Jericha's (we'll call him Sam) asked her to the Homecoming dance, and though he did not know it, he was going to receive his answer that night. Due to the elaborate scheme Tess and Jericha had concocted, they couldn't go to the movie we'd planned earlier. I was still planning on going.

Nonetheless, my commitment wavered when I got to know Sam. When I first saw him, he was sitting on the bed of his truck and covered in shadow. After Tess introduced the two of us, he stood up to greet Jericha, revealing a six-foot-four frame. I was impressed. But, I was more impressed with what a cool guy he was. He appreciated my vocabulary--what guy does that??? Plus, he was completely animated; he went along with all the silly things we said and did. In fact, he was the fuel to our fire. The four of us talked, laughed, and ran about, not really caring what people thought of us. I liked how Sam was different from the guys I normally hung out with. It felt bold. Refreshing.

 

As the night wore on, I found that I did not want to go. So when McKayla called me, asking "Where are you?" I told her I was going to stay with Tess, Jericha, and Sam. Her voice took on an exasperated tone as she said, "We planned this thing for you; you said Jericha hadn't seen [certain movie title] and you wanted to have a movie night for it. We're all here now, and you're not, and it's kind of disappointing." I felt like my chest was full of lead after she said that, but I knew what I wanted to do. I told her I was sorry, but that she'd still have fun with those that were there.

My reasoning for staying was this: When would I ever get another chance to know Sam? He attended another school in a different city, so what chance was there that I'd ever see him again? In addition, I greatly enjoyed being with Tess and Jericha. The whole situation was akin to watching a movie, becoming immersed in it, and then being told to turn it off and start a different one. You'd probably say, "Wait, I wanted to finish that!"

I had a very fun time. After all, I had done what I wanted. Even so, it was not right, and I knew it. A commitment was made, people were expecting me to keep it. In that moment when I struggled to decide which choice was best, I should have listened to the voice that urged me to keep my obligation. The question, "What would Christ do?" should have entered my mind. And though this dilemma was not of immense proportions, did not mean life or death, it still mattered. It is the little, day-to-day decisions that matter most. I am sad that I did not prove my loyalty.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin mentioned in a talk that we will all endure our Fridays; the days when we don't quite make it, when we feel like failures. However, he also mentioned that Sunday will come. "No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come." In light of my story, I take this to mean that I can become better. And I will, because that is what a disciple of Jesus would do.

Thus, there are two things I got out of Friday night:

• A new friend
• And a great lesson about personal character

For both, I am thankful.

*Names have been changed. :)

Modus Operandi

Sitting in my first-hour class this morning, I had the thought

This year, I'm gonna BE BOLD.

I want to do everything I didn't last year. I'm gonna show who I am, let fly the funny comments I normally keep to myself, dare to ask the questions I might be afraid to. 

This time, I will reach out more to others. That cute guy in my seminary class? I'm gonna say hey to him tomorrow. The girl sitting alone at the lunch table? My friends and I will invite her to sit at ours. Those kids in the class I'm a TA for? They will see just how cool I can be. 

There will be no regrets this year. No reservations. Everything I do, I will do with a purpose, even if that purpose happens to be silly.

I will try all sorts of new things. How does that adage go? Don't knock it 'til you try it? Well that is precisely what I plan on doing.

For too long, I have held life at arm's length, never really immersing myself. As my family well knows, my usual approach is to focus on the future and dwell a bit on the past. What kind of life is that? If one never speaks up, one is never going to be heard. Bravery--boldness--is the key. A friend of mine asserted this in a piece of her writing, and it has stuck with me ever since.

Thus, my modus operandi, my mode of operation, is:

After Hello

"And what comes after hello?" she asked.

"Anything. Everything. Whatever you want," he said. "Just as long as it's not goodbye." 

Remember Tess? She lent me a book that put everything I ever wanted into words.

A huge, bustling city brimming with life

 Freedom. That was what I felt standing there on the corner with a park on one side of me and a cluster of shops on the other, the small bookstore with its open door and rolling carts of books beckoning me across the street. The freedom to go wherever I wanted, do whatever I wanted. I was a single person in a city of millions.

Meeting someone utterly new, completely unknown, and turning them into a profound friend--maybe something more

 I thought back to that moment when I had taken his picture. I smiled, thinking of all that had happened because I had chosen to follow him. Such a simple decision, almost impulsive, but it had changed everything. It had changed me.

A lively adventure filled with whatever happened to cross the path

"What's a 'yes day'?" I asked. 

"It's a day where you find ways to say yes."

"To what?" I looked from Sam to Vanessa.

"To goodness," she said, spreading her arms wide. "To life."

"To things you might otherwise say 'no' to, " Sam added. His eyes flickered up to mine, the brown as warm and dark as my chocolate.

"Like saying yes to a damsel in distress?" I asked with a lift of my lips.

"Exactly." Sam matched my smile, and I felt my heart flutter in my chest.

Learning to see inside my soul and help share the burdens of other souls

 "Art can conceal as well as reveal," she continued. "It takes courage to remove our masks. But it takes greater courage to allow those we care about to remove their own masks when they are with us." Vanessa fanned a row of feathers--all green except for one solitary white one--above the arched eyes. "When we grant others the opportunity to be open and vulnerable, that is when we can see the truth. In them. And in ourselves."

Moving from self-preservation to self-actualization

My hands trembled, both from excitement and from fear. Could I really pull this off? Should I? I wasn't an artist--not really. Not like Vanessa, who ruled her world with magic and muses. Not like Aces, who lived his life with passion and built his own three-dimensional version of reality. Not even like Daniel, who could play music that sounded like the voice of God. 

I was just me. But sitting at that table that had once been a door, I thought being me might be enough. 

Savoring the little things, the humble moments of the day

Sara sat up, rubbing at her eyes with a loosely curled fist like a child might after a nap. A faint pink line creased her cheek from where she had leaned against his shoulder. The pattern matched exactly the black stripe that ran down the sleeve of his hoodie. 

He felt a strange and sudden flash of pride at seeing it. Even though he knew it would fade--it was already fading--for a moment, they were connected, like halves of a whole, and that made him happy. 

And getting another shot at happiness


"I don't want this to be good-bye, either," he said. He pulled out two tattered sugar packets from the bag and held them out to me. His eyes danced with light and life. "So tell me, Sara without an h--what do you want?"

The last time Sam has asked me that question, I hadn't known what to say. This time I did. Aces had given me the answer. "I want my life to be filled with passion."

Sam chuckled under his breath. "That's a tall order."

"But not impossible. Someone once told me that if you don't know what you want, you'll never get it."

"I see. And something tells me that a smart girl like you will find a way to get whatever she wants."

"Hey, I learned from the best."

"True." Sam granted me that point. "But I think there is one lesson left." He bounced the sugar packets on his palm. "Instead of saying good-bye, let's say hello instead."

I lifted a packet from the palm of his hand. "How is this going to become a hello?"

"The same way it became two tickets for Jess, or a coupon for a free manicure. You trade your packet; I'll trade mine. And if we keep them moving, eventually we'll find what we're looking for."

"This little packet will bring me back all the way to New York?"

Sam smiled. "You never know. Maybe my packet will take me all the way to Arizona."

I grinned, catching the spirit of the adventure. "Are you proposing another quest?"

"You game?"

I turned the small packet over in my fingers. "Yeah," I said. "I am."

"Good." He tucked the square of sugar into his pocket. "Then the next time I see you, we'll have a proper hello."

I raised an eyebrow, feeling a matching lift of hope in my chest. "And what comes after hello?"

"Anything. Everything. Whatever you want," he said. "Just so long as it's not good-bye."

All in one day.

The Gambler

Slow down, we've got time left to be lazy
All the kids are bloom from babies into flowers in our eyes
We've got fifty good years left to spend out in the garden
I don't care to beg your pardon, we should live until we die

We were barely eighteen when we crossed collective hearts
It was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eye
And you turned, put out your hand, and you asked me to dance
I knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight

I swear when I grow up I won't just buy you a rose
I will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonely
For even if the sun stops waking up over the fields
I will not leave, I will not leave 'til it's our time
So just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side

It was the winter of '86, all the fields had frozen over
So we moved to Arizona to save our only son
And now he's turned into a man, though he thinks just like his mother
He believes we're all just lovers, he sees hope in everyone

And even though she moved away, we always get calls from our daughter
She has eyes just like her father's, they are blue when skies are gray
And just like him she never stops, never takes the day for granted
Works for everything that's handed to her, never once complained

You think that I nearly lost you when the doctors tried to take you away
But like the night you took my hand beside the fire thirty years ago
'Til this day, you swore you'd be here 'til we decide that it's our time
But it's not time, you never quit in all your life
So just take my hand and know that I will never leave your side
You're the love of my life, you know that I will never leave your side

You come home from work, and you kiss me on the eye
You curse the dogs, you say that I should never feed them what is ours
So we move out to the garden, look at everything we've grown
And the kids are coming home so I'll set the table; you can make the fire

This is a semblance of what I hope my marriage and family will be much, much later in life. I hope to share a sweet, leisurely love with my spouse. To live life unhurried, merely savoring what is in front of me. I hope to look back on the past with a knowing smile, and to listen to my grown children's stories of their own lessons, labors, and loves. It is almost like a glimpse into eternity.

(These lyrics aren't mine. If you'd like to find the song, you are welcome to it.)

Home

Can I tell you something I did?

Yesterday I checked a deed off my bucket list.


I have always wanted to travel down a road as far as I could go. Some unfamiliar path that stretches farther than the eye can see.

I did it.

And it was one of the coolest things I've ever done. Riding along on my bike, I passed seemingly endless fields of gold and green, aged houses with rustic charm, and sparkling canals teeming with life. All this from my little hometown area on a Thursday evening.

The reason I embarked on this bike ride was not actually to check it off my bucket list, but to blow off some steam. However, my ride soon became something of a higher nature. I noticed all the simple beauties God has placed here, and it brought the most genuine smile out of me. And, when I realized I was completing a goal of mine, I couldn't stop smiling! So, I cranked up my John Mayer tunes and pedaled even harder, going farther and farther. By the time I had to turn around, I was at least five miles away from anything I could recognize.

If it hadn't been so late, I would have pedaled to the mountains.

Rainy Day

Call me crazy, but rainy days are the best.

Drizzly, overcast days make me a little more ponderous, a little more thoughtful. Sure, the sun is wonderful, but how often do rainy days come around? They're special, and for me, special things happen on those days.

Take yesterday for example. It was the second day home from my last year of girls' camp and--as you've probably already guessed--a cool, wet Saturday. Waking up smelled like rain, leaving me feeling clean.

Later on, my friend and I made a visit to the Rexburg Temple for baptisms. Honestly, I can think of no better way to polish off a week of spiritual feasting than a trip to the temple. The beautiful white building was stark against the dusky clouds, and numerous couples were reverently filing in and out of it. Once we had gotten settled and began waiting to be baptized, I felt completely peaceful. And I couldn't stop smiling. Quite a few college-aged men and women waited with me and my friend, and the coolest thing was that we were all there, doing the Lord's work. All was well and right. Coming out of the temple, my friend and I felt so good! Clean in every sense of the word.

A little while after that, my parents returned home from Utah, and I loved catching up with them over a batch of cookies. Rain continued to fall, keeping the world shiny and new. My missionary brother would be jealous because rainy days are his favorite. Since he's in Los Angeles, he doesn't get too many of those. So with the exception of this brother, it was nice to just be with my family and enjoy the sound of rain pattering on the roof.

Then, I went to work in that never-ceasing rain. I work at small, family-run amusement park, and when I got there, the only thing running was the go-karts. Soon, even those people left, leaving me and a different friend (we'll call her Tess) to clean up the park. As we wiped down fences in the downpour, Tess and I talked about everything. It felt great to tell her what had been on my mind, and she felt the same. Usually the both of us are too busy to merely converse like this, but because of the weather, nothing could stop us. And while we continued to clean benches and tables, we got the brilliant (no sarcasm here) idea to go puddle jumping. So we did.

Tess and I were little girls again, giggling as we sloshed through puddles and stamped in miniature streams. And since nobody was in the park but us, nobody cared. When the two of us clocked out, our manager let us put up one of the inflatable slides. I went down first, careening into a puddle so cold I gasped. Tess came down seconds later, and we crashed into each other, slipping again when I tried to get back up. I don't think either of us stopped laughing.

Never underestimate the power of a moment. As I mentioned in my post "The Hiatus is Over", it is the little moments that matter most in life. They fill in the cracks between the big events and lessons, creating the map that is our lives. I believe I have done better about cherishing those small every-day things. Through doing this, I am better able to use my agency, to recognize what exactly I am doing, and if need be, to change it. Ultimately, this brings me closer to my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I will do everything in my power to follow Him, for He is my Lord and my Light.

For me, rainy days are spiritual, thoughtful, and a fun change of pace. They never seem gloomy or disappointing. Actually, it almost feels like I glean more out of them than regular days.