Sky Above, Earth Below, Fire Within

Hello there! Another highly eventful week has flown by, and I am brimming with tales of adventure to share. However, like last week, there is not enough time in the day for me to wax eloquent about what's happened, so it will be similar to last week's post. Truly, though, England has ignited a fire within my soul..

This, my friends, is the English Channel off the Isle of Wight. Even cooler, Queen Victoria used this spot as her private bathing (read 'swimming') area. The entire royal family utilized this island as their holiday home. I had the immense pleasure of swimming in the Channel! Like many of you already read from my Facebook post, the water was pleasantly warmer than that of my native Rigby Lake. While swimming here, I felt nearly every indie dream of mine come true. It was lovely.

Osbourne House--Queen Victoria and Prince Albert's summer getaway. Nevermind the fact that my own house isn't even worth a tenth of this!

We went to the Borough Market the other day, a large and lively food market in London. What a smorgasbord of tastes and smells! In the end, I decided on a spicy lentil fajita with hummus and other goodies I can't even remember. It's been my favorite new food so far. Mmm.

On day one of our week-long excursion, we stopped in Bristol. This incredibly beautiful work of art was in the cathedral of St. Mary Redcliffe, and come to find, it is actually a modern reconstruction. Even so, I loved it. What made it more special was that it was in the ladies' chapel. 

This one is particularly special to me. You see, one of the items on my bucket list has been to walk in an old cemetery attached to a cathedral/chapel in England. Preferably in the morning. Specific, I know. Well, as you can ascertain from my picture, I did just that. It was a deeply spiritual experience for me as I weaved between graves, pondering about whose loved ones these people were and what contributions they made to the world around them. I'll always remember it.

No, I am not joking. We ran into this hilarious shop in a mall in Cardiff. Would you believe they charged £12 for a box of twinkies?! (Not that I would buy them for a reasonable price anyway.)

This isn't a joke, either. You're looking at Snowdonia National Park in Wales, probably my favorite place we visited this trip. Breathtaking, isn't it? What I wish I could show you is what it looked like at night when we were driving up to it: shades of black and grey coming together to form mountains covered in dense fog with misting rain. It was ancient and fearsome and beautiful. 

Mumford & Sons became even more relevant in my life, if that's possible. Firstly, they're a British band; and second, while riding on the bus to another site, I found serious comfort in their song 'Sigh No More.' I'd had an emotionally rough night, and this song reminded me that God loves me and that He will never lead me astray. God and England are so good to me.

The picture doesn't do justice to how cold and exhilarating this was. We rode a train to the top of Mount Snowdon and then climbed a bit to reach the summit. Mount Snowdon nearly had Idaho beat in terms of wind and cold! Nonetheless, I loved it. For a while, we were completely surrounded by fog and mist. It seemed as though we were at the mercy of Wales' elements--a thrilling experience.

Say hello to Conwy Castle, which is also in Wales. Though I've seen many castles (you have no idea how cool it feels to say that), this one was by far the most well-preserved. I clambered all around in its courtyard, hallways, turrets--everywhere. My favorite part was standing on top of one of the turrets and beholding the amazing view. There was the adorable town, the marina, some train tracks, and forests off in the distance.

A sign we stumbled upon in Chester, England. Hooligans, beware.

During our exploration of the Chester Cathedral, we discovered this small yet wonderful courtyard. Its beauty speaks for itself.

Liverpool didn't make the favorites list, but it is noteworthy enough to mention. Here is a view of one of the docks, along with a fun ferris wheel and--can you tell? A yellow submarine! After all, Liverpool is the birthplace of  the Beatles. 

I feel bad for forgetting his name, but this guy brought out my silliness.

(Mum and Dad, this one's for you.) In Preston, we went on one of the most enjoyably informative tours I've ever participated in. Mr. Peter Fagg took us to several important sites pertaining to the history of the LDS Church in England. This spot--the River Ribble--was where the first baptisms took place! How cool!

I couldn't resist sharing all of these. They're from the same place, called the Ribble River Valley. Everything was so quiet and quintessentially English. There was even some steady rainfall, which I loved.

The Lake District thrilled me to no end. Our hostel was legitimately a mere couple of yards from the shore. Imagine a place where every plant is vividly green, the air is fresh and a bit crisp, and a body of glass-green water sits under a bright sky. That is essentially where we stayed. Much to my great pleasure, I swam in Lake Windermere. My professor was the first one in, and I quickly followed suit, lest any other student be the first to experience the water. I remember the water rushing toward me as I jumped in, and the brief shock of hitting the water. Oh, the cold! I came up with a gasp that ended in an exhilarated scream. The other students emerged with squeals and shouts, too. Up until then, I hadn't experienced such an icy dip. My screams soon melted into laughter, however, and my arms numbed up enough for me to swim around. I stayed in there for a good, long while. 

Lastly, here is the Preston, England LDS temple. I really enjoyed being on holy ground and feeling the Spirit here. I will go inside someday! 

Stuff of Legends

With the exception of today (homework-laden as it was), this last week has been loaded with some of the greatest adventures--of the past and of my own. I have neither the time nor the emotional stamina right now to go into detail about each experience, but I will post pictures with a caption for each.

The Tower of London! It is incredible just how saturated with history this place is. Yes, I saw the Crown Jewels. No, it was not like Moriarty's epic jewel heist from Sherlock. Personally, I enjoyed the Bloody Tower the most. 

Kensington Gardens--essentially the most beautiful public park I've ever seen (and where Kate Middleton lives. That's important, right?) This particular scene is from the Roman Garden portion. Simply gorgeous. 

Leonardo da Vinci's Madonna of the Rocks--my favorite piece of art I've seen in the National Gallery so far. I love the way da Vinci depicts Mary's face; it made me proud to be a woman. 

This is Trafalgar Square. If you look closely, you can see Big Ben in the background. Coming out of the National Gallery, I was surprised to the point of shock to see this. Please understand, before this moment, I'd never seen Big Ben in person. The mere sight of it brought me to tears, as if warmly welcoming me, "You've made it at last." I will treasure this forever. 

Here I am with a bunch of my cute friends at the Globe Theatre to see A Comedy of Errors. Do yourself a favor--the next time you find yourself in London, see a play in the Globe. The performance transported me back to a simpler time, and I loved every giggle-filled minute of it. 

My first glimpse inside the Salisbury Cathedral. As I walked throughout, hymns played in my head, and I wished I had worn a dress. It seemed as if an older incarnation of the Spirit dwelt there. 

Ah, Stonehenge. While I am privileged and glad to have seen this, I wouldn't see it again. A cool sight, nonetheless.

Stourhead Gardens possessed this simple and elegant natural beauty. Looking around, I could easily imagine several of Jane Austen's beloved characters living out their stories there. Speaking of which, can anyone tell me the significance of this building? Hint: think of the 2005 Pride & Prejudice film. 

My first fish and chips! Oh man, was it a treat. For the record, I actually took a picture of my friend's, so nothing in the photo is really mine.

St. Michael's Mount, a castle majestically sitting on the apex of a small island off the coast of southern England, was a sight to see. Some of the girls and I agreed that being queen of this castle would have been pretty great, seeing as how the ocean would be part of the domain, too.

The more I think about it, the more I realize this place was probably my favorite of those we visited. This is next to Tintagel Castle in Cornwall. I stood on another cliff to take this picture and then ventured out to the one in the photo. Absolutely stunning. With nothing before me but sea and sky, I'm not sure I have ever felt more alive.

It was worth the rather rigorous trek to see the Glastonbury Tor. Regardless of where you looked, you would get an eyeful of sleepy towns, rolling hills, and misty, verdant fields. I applauded the ancient saints who made similar excursions up there.

Apparently I have a thing for cathedrals. Each one I've visited has been astoundingly lovely and spiritual. This one is Wells Cathedral--my favorite so far. I almost missed this gem of a room--the Chapter House--since the entrance is a humble little door among so many ornate structures.

Say hello to the Roman Baths! I grew up watching Rick Steve's travel shows, and ever since I saw him visit Bath, I've wanted to go. For me, the best part was trying the water (cleaned and purified, of course), which was horribly disgusting, but an item off my bucket list all the same. 

Well this one totally snuck up on me. Some friends and I were going to get theatre tickets when I suddenly spotted it. We're going to pretend I was dignified and mature about it. ;)

We stumbled upon Fashion Week. Naturally, I'm being a dork. 

Last one for now! My first time in any sort of China Town. The entire time we explored, I eagerly searched for the places they filmed in the Blind Banker episode of Sherlock. I will definitely have to visit again. 

London Called, I Answered

The amount of fatigue I feel is almost embarrassing, but it cannot smother the utter delight I've also felt today. Another hour without sleep means nothing compared to the fact that right now,

I am living my dream.

It is the most wonderful thing--every second I have to stop and think, "Wait, I'm in living in London. All these sights, sounds, smells, and experiences are real, and they are mine!" Can I tell you about the incredible day I've had? 

My oceanic flight seemed to last eons, but when we finally landed and the flight attendant said, "Welcome to London" I cried shamelessly. Another student on my study abroad program met up with me later on, and we embarked on the enjoyably arduous journey of getting to the London Centre. All along the way, little things like accents, different spellings, the old, dusty green of the foliage, and the humorously courteous Tube announcements kept me grinning like a fool. Guys, even the flipping Tube lines are beautiful. Everywhere we went, people were kind and helpful. Lisa and I were both carrying the entirely of our lives for the next four months (aka, really heavy suitcases), and both times we had to tackle stairs, these really kind men carried my bags! The gentlemen of England really do exist, ladies. Another great example of that was when Lisa and I were on the wrong street (Ossington instead of Palace Court), and this nice man pointed us in the right direction with a smile and a "Have a great day!" Absolutely wonderful.

Then there was the matter of our home:

27 Palace Court. Holy cow.

While I haven't gotten any pictures of the ground floor yet, I do have some of my room. There are four student bedrooms in the Centre, each on different floors--one for the boys, two for the girls, and a private one for one of the girls. It's a really fun mixture of old and new since the Center's exterior remains the same, but its interior has gone through some major renovation. 

My nook

This is one room, folks.

This room is incredibly cool. We each get our own closets (complete with hangers!), reading lamps, built-in shelves, and storage bins. And get this: we have our own gigantic bathroom with  heated towel racks. What is this life? 

But that wasn't even the best part of the room. For me, at least, the best part is the view. 

You might not be able to fully appreciate the archaic beauty of these buildings because of the picture's size, but let me assure you, they're magnificent. They, along with the cute little street lined with luxury cars and the gorgeous grey sky, create a scene I could stare at for eternity. I can see it now, though this time streetlamps cast an orange glow over the darkened, quieter street. Plus, you know you're in Europe when the windows are huge, old, and without screens. It feels like you're actually letting the outside in a bit. 

After unpacking and settling in, I started talking with some of the other girls in my room. The other end of the room has a balcony that leads to the fire escape (we didn't know that's what it was at the time). We decided to explore and go to the very top. As we climbed higher and higher, we could see the mossy, chimney-adorned rooftops of the other buildings nearby. Soon enough, we were on our own rooftop! Carefully but deftly, we ran across the shingles to see the street below--and don't worry, the roof was structured so that we were safely behind some decorative architecture. From that vantage point, though, I could see everything. It was breathtaking and magical and a little bit scary. I remember thinking of Sherlock up there, marveling at how he had the tremendous courage to leap from a height so great. At the same time, I felt invincible up there, which is likely what Sherlock felt, too. The girls and I had some fun conversations up there. It's one of my new favorite memories. 

Nearly right after the rooftop excursion, Lisa and I set off to tackle our first London Walks assignment of getting to know the neighborhood. Man, I must have looked like such a dweeb, what with my ecstatic exclamations and near-constant picture taking. Ah well. Anyway, the two of us simply strolled through London and identified the shops and sights the book told us to. If that isn't an amazing experience, I don't know what is. The smells constantly changed from sweet patisserie aromas to the not entirely unpleasant scent of smoke to pine needles and savory spices. People walked everywhere, chatting on phones or to each other in their beautiful accents. Double-decker buses trundled by. All was moving and alive. 

The first telephone box I'd ever seen in person! It's kinda like a first kiss. ;) 

Lisa! This shortcut was gorgeous.

For that hour or so, the city was mine. As we traversed from one side of town to another, Ed Sheeran's song "Sing" played in my head, and it was the perfect soundtrack. London is such a hip place. I had an immensely fun time with Lisa while we discussed how crazy it is to be here, in England, and what shops we wanted to duck into on a different day. We got somewhat lost a few times, but we made it back to the Centre without too much delay. 

Don't blink!

Ha! The English equivalent of the dollar store. 

We helped with dinner--astoundingly good pea soup, fresh salad, and artisan breads--and afterwards I remember wiping down the tables as I looked out the window. I saw a group of guys and girls my age walking by, laughing together and looking really cool. For a moment, we made eye contact. Weirdly, in that millisecond, I felt even more a part of London, like I'd been acknowledged as another being belonging in this great city. 

And you know what? 

I do belong here. 

Follow My Feet

When thinking of that road less traveled, we often think of uniqueness, of being different from everyone else. Sure, I can agree with that, but let me present Robert Frost's famous line in another way:

What if taking the road less traveled meant following the path you least expected to?

The fork in the road wasn't supposed to be there, but you stumbled upon it anyway. You soon found yourself walking on the path you had no intention of following, be it good or bad. Sometimes, that is the only option. Once in a while, we may go where we do not want to, but where we are needed, or where we need to be.

For example, there are two people incredibly dear to me who have found themselves on paths they never expected to travel. One's change was due to something he couldn't necessarily control, and the other's was because of an unfortunate mistake. For both, the path ahead is fraught with challenge and perhaps a bit of heartache. When each of them told me how their lives changed direction, I ached with them; who could have foreseen the damage done by his internal battles, or the painfully necessary delay of her most treasured dream?

I love these people very much, and I know their courage and strength--they will turn out just fine. Still, I couldn't help but wonder why these things happen. Why does life have to be so awful sometimes? Of course I know the answer--it's part of living this life. Experiencing trial, heartache, misfortune, sin, disappointment, loss, pain. All of it. It is for our good and our betterment. Without these things, we could not know how exquisite joy can be. More importantly, however, feeling these "undesirable" things also helps remind us we are alive. There's a funny characteristic we humans have--the lower we fall, the higher we rise. Something about being downtrodden or seemingly defeated gets our blood pumping, and we strive to make things right again with all our might. We cannot grow stronger without opposition. Most often, making things right--getting stronger--involves taking the unexpected path, though there may be many twists, turns, and crossroads between now and that happy end.

Sometimes, this unexpected path materializes not because of mistake or misfortune, but because of active choice. President Thomas S. Monson coined an apt alliteration--"decisions determine destiny." Meaning, destinies can change. They often do.

Expectations are such fragile and naive things. My view on life up until recently was so formulaic; maintain a 4.0 GPA in high school, save money by working summers, go to college at BYU, major in Genetics, graduate in four years (probably get married at 21), jump straight into a doctorate degree, and then live "happily ever after" with my family and job. Everything I did--and I'm not joking about the everything part--was to bring me one step closer to the goals I'd set. I sprinted down this thin, straight path, all the way to BYU...

And oh my goodness. My road splintered into innumerable new and wondrous paths. I came to BYU expecting to receive a first-class education (which I have), but I did not anticipate that the greatest thing I would learn here so far is that the world--and life in general--is so much bigger and so much more than I could have ever imagined. I desire to experience everything this beautiful mortality God has given us has to offer. To meet people and hear their stories. To help them, if I can.

Amid all this, I've realized I no longer want to be a geneticist. There is much I could say to explain and justify this change of mind, but I won’t. What matters is that it no longer makes me happy, and I aim to find what does. For quite a while, I have felt guilty and unsure about this change. Am I a cop-out? Am I just not smart enough or determined enough to continue in this field? The answer is no. I know that whatever I choose, I will give my everything to. I am willing to make every sacrifice for it. Genetics just isn't that thing anymore.

You may ask, "what will you do instead?" Good question. I have no idea. Whatever I end up doing, though, I want to help people tell their stories--whether fictional or experienced first-hand. I hope to spread the truth and happiness they've learned, as well as my own. Now, this seems like a rather lofty ideal, but I am certain I can find a practical medium to achieve it through.

Ultimately, we decide who we are, what we do, and how we do it. God intended it to be this way; we have our agency. Why on earth should we not use this power to make ourselves and the world better? I know God trusts me to be wise and choose the better part. That's why He's left my future so wide open for me. It will be mine because I made it so. The path I've begun to take is one I never expected to, but it is right, and it is mine. One day, because of the love of God, my family, and my friends that spurred me on, I will be able to triumphantly say

"THIS IS THE HAPPINESS I CHOSE AND ACHIEVED ON MY OWN."  

This is Your Heart, Can You Feel It?

Ah, Bastille. Always a source of strength and inspiration for me. The title of this post is from their song "Laura Palmer." Several snippets from their music are dispersed in this post.

I want to talk about something that I struggle with: myself.

In terms of trials in life, some might feel as though I am quite inexperienced. I agree, to an extent. My parents are happily married; there has been only one death in my family that really affected me (I never knew the others who died); we've never experienced poverty; and I've never had to deal with any major injuries or handicaps. From the outside looking in, my life seems peachy. I do feel blessed that I've never had to experience those things. However, this does not mean I do not have trials, heartache, and/or "real" problems. Thing is, they're all on the inside. I am the largest trial in my life. I am the war I rage against.

I feel as though Heavenly Father has given me everything I need to succeed, but stands back a bit to see what I do with it. It's as if He's saying, "Alright, it's up to you. Will you take advantage of this, or squander it?" And not even just success, but service and charity. "Lauren, you have much to give." Now, please don't take this the wrong way--like I think I'm all that or the golden child or something. It's not like that at all. I just know the Lord wants me to share what I've been given.

And therein lies my struggle. I have noticed throughout the past few years that there are two major sides to myself. One is outgoing, exuberant, enthusiastic, kind, funny, and thoughtful--sometimes annoying and overzealous. The other is quiet, ponderous, logical, meditative, and careful--often very withdrawn and indifferent, occasionally cynical. I find myself tending towards this second side, which I'll call Ice (the other will be called Fire, of course).

"I can feel the draw, I can feel it pulling me back." --The Draw

With Fire comes obsession and intense feelings. I get way too enthusiastic or involved in things; so much so, that I almost cannot function. Happiness, anger, sadness, and empathy, all those lovely emotions, sometimes become too hot to touch. I get burned, and it hurts. Sometimes, it is hard to focus on important, practical things when Fire is in charge. That's why I tend towards Ice. Because it's easier not to feel much at all, or very little. With Ice, I can hone in on my goals and plow ahead. But, I also withdraw from friends and sociability, most times without meaning to. On Icy mornings, I might not say a single word until the afternoon.

"You put up your defenses when you leave, and you leave because you're certain of who you want to be." --Icarus 

It's been especially hard here at BYU. I often feel like I have little to give, do, or say, so I just don't. It may seem as though I don't care, but I do. I really, really do. There are many things that are dear to me that I don't do or share.There are people I greatly admire who I do not confront. Quite often, this is the cause of my frustration. I will keep those things to myself or not do them simply because I feel it would be easier not to. Then, when someone else does or says what I wanted to, it upsets me. I could have said that! A chance passes by, and I am left empty and regretful. Why do I do this? Am I afraid of success? No. I am afraid of what it may cost. It all boils down to bravery. I want those relationships, those accolades, but I am afraid of the rejection, the effort. I am terrified of failure.

"Do you like the person you've become?" --The Weight of Living, Pt. II

Alone protects me. I am so comfortable, all alone in my little cocoon of ice, but I know I can never be happy there. I yearn for growth, knowledge, friendship, and adventure. I hope to find someone special to share this life and the eternities with. This all requires a sacrifice of the comfortable, the familiar.

"In my left hand, there is the familiar. In my right hand, there's the great unknown." --The Draw

But putting myself out there is really scary! Avoiding the fallback to bad habits is hard. Believing I can mean something to someone is occasionally unfathomable. Still, that Fire courses through my veins, and my heart urges me forward. I cannot do these things alone, though. I must rely on Jesus Christ and His infinite Atonement, for He is the only one who can help me overcome myself. He knows my every weakness; He has experienced them, too. Because of this, He tempers my Fire and Ice, leading me through the darkness when I am blind.

"Walking out into the dark, cutting out a different path, led by your beating heart." --Laura Palmer

One crucial thing the Lord reminds me of is that my flaws are not things to be eliminated. Bastille puts it very nicely when they say "All your flaws... we'll see that we need them to be who we are" (Flaws). They never leave us in this life, but they can drive us to become strong, which is possible by leaning on Christ.

There is great strength to be gained from the Atonement. Fear departs and is replaced with hope, courage, confidence, and even excitement. My heart rejoices because with Christ, I can be both the person I desire to be and the person He wants me to be.

"This is your heart. Can you feel it?"

Pulling Me Back

Listen here.

In my left hand there is the familiar
In my right hand there's the great unknown
I can see the madly different grass there
But I'm drawn to wilder nights at home

Don't listen to your friends
See the despair behind their eyes
Don't listen to your friends
They only care and want to know why

I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back
It's pulling me
I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back
It's pulling me

Are you drifting way beyond what's normal
'Cause 'round your mind rings the words that they would say?
When you go home everything looks different,
And you're scared of being left behind.

Just listen to your friends
Trust that they're fair, look in their eyes
Just listen to your friends
They only care and hope you're alright

I can feel the draw
I can feel it's pulling me back
It's pulling me back
It's pulling me
I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back

-The Draw,  Bastille